1) I totally meant to post this on Friday but as usual I forgot. This memory of mine is seriously crap, I should probably start doing crosswords or something.
2) I made cookie bars this weekend and they were SO good. I feel like I need to make them again to perfect them before sharing but you can never go wrong with Nutella and caramel, can you?! And topped with ice-cream, well that was pure heaven!
3) I have to help out at my school's open evening tonight and I really have no energy but the students that help out get to come to school an hour & half later tomorrow morning so... really it's a worth that extra hour in bed.
4) I get the best view of sunsets from my bedroom window. I know everyone is on the supermoon hype but I would take this view over that any day.
5) So last weekend I FINALLY got my hair cut. I think leaving it longer than 6 months is way too long because there was a heck of a lot of damaged hair that needed to be cut off.
6) This Buzzfeed article sums up my entire life pretty well right now!! Extreme tiredness is no joke, sleep is my best friend right now.
7) I finally got a new job!! I'm SOOO happy!! I got the call today that they want to hire me and I'm so excited to start working with children again, they just make everything a lot more fun!
8) I spend wayyy too much time on Buzzfeed and Instagram, but the little laughs I get from reading funny articles and memes help make the school day a bit better ;)
9) Obsessed with this song right now!!
10) These were so delicious! I don't typically like nuts (I feel like there's no other way to say that, either way it sounds wrong;) but these were so good! Walkers Sensations are everywhere at the moment and I'm loving all their new flavours.
12) I'm sure there's much more I wanted to tell you all but I'm of course leaving getting ready to the last minute! I need to be out the door in 10 minutes so I'm off! Hope you all have a fab night :)
Dear the mirror that almost destroyed me,
I've being standing here in front of you for 30 minutes, trying on dress after dress. The black one slims me but shows to much leg, the flower patterned one makes my boobs look good but my stomach look big, the blue one makes my legs look long but my arms look flabby. I prod at the jiggle on my arms wishing it away. I grab the belly flab and hate its existence. I poke at my thighs and wish I could magically slim them in half. I've decided I'm not going out anymore. I can't bear the thought of anyone having to see "this". If I can't look at me, how could someone else.
I look at my face. Clean from the shower I just took. Untouched by make-up. My hair in a messy bun with little curls sticking out. I always thought those baby curls were cute but all of sudden they annoy me. I focus on the zit on my chin, that I can handle because unlike the rest I know it will disappear. I get closer to the mirror and take a deeper look. My skin is uneven, little bumps on my cheeks and those damn blackheads on the side of my nose. Deep dark circles under my eyes, letting the world know sleep is not my best friend right now. Even my smile begins to look ugly, the way it makes my cheekbones look huge. I take a step back and stare at all my imperfections. That's it, I'm putting my pjs on and watching a movie in bed. It's better that way. Trust me. But, like it always does, the mirror keeps me engaged for a while longer. Captivating my mind and unlocking the box full of demons.
The stretch marks all along my belly, the tiny red bumps on my arms, the cellulite on my legs. I take it all in. Hating it the more I look at it all in detail. In my mind I imagine a supermodel standing in front of the mirror, I wonder what picture her mirror paints. Is it a pretty one or a nightmare like mine? Or does she think she's beautiful because the world told her she was? Would I be good enough for you mirror, if I was tall and skinny?
Mirror, why can't you show me what I want? Why can't you be nice to me just this once? All I wanted to do was go to the party. You didn't have to ruin my night like that. Why can't you leave the demons in the box? They weren't invited here but I suppose after the way the 10th dress looked they had to come pay a visit. To tell me how awful I look. That I'll never be good enough or pretty enough for me to accept.
Oh mirror, how I wish I could shatter you in a million pieces along with every single negative thought. You see mirror, there are many things you don't show me!
You don't show me how carefree I look when I'm laughing. You don't show me how happy I am when I see my little sister. You don't show me how strong I am when I'm running. You don't show me how caring I am when I'm hugging my sobbing friend. You don't show me how relaxed I am when I'm baking. You don't show me how funny I am when my friends are laughing at my joke. You don't show me how sympathetic I am when I listen to a sad story. You don't show me how generous I am when I'm helping someone in need.
See mirror, you don't show me any of my worth. You show me what I look like but not who I am. You don't show me what makes me laugh, happy, sad, angry, carefree and crazy. You know who I am? I'm the most unbelievably loyal, sweet, caring, positive and bubbly person you'll ever meet. But no, you show me the worst parts of me. The parts that no one else sees besides you and my demons. The parts I've hated about myself for years.
You make a good run into an awful one when I catch my reflection stretching. You make me stop smiling as soon as I turn to look at you. You make a good hair day into a horrific hair day. You make a non-fat feeling day into an awfully fat feeling day. You make me stop eating if I catch a glimpse of myself putting food in my mouth.
I think I'm done listening to your crap, mirror. You're not worth it. You aren't worth ruining so many of my days over. You aren't worth giving up my plans for. You're worth nothing.
I walk back over and take one last look at myself. I see legs that have supported me through miles and miles of running. I see legs that have glided me underwater for many summers at the beach. I see legs that have skiied many slopes with such ease. I see a belly that will one day be a home to a tiny little human who is going to grow big and strong. I see a belly that has been put through some crap (aka cut open and pumped with gas!!) but made it out the other side. I see arms that have rocked Lila to sleep. I see arms that have embraced people with hugs that help them through the day. I see my smile, the smile that I am known for. The smile that can brighten up your day. The smile that can comfort you.
Mirror, why didn't you show me all of this before? Why did you have to let the demons come out before giving me a chance to see how amazing my body is. I take one last look and put the black dress on. Curl my hair. Do my make-up and put my bright pink heels on.
Pretty damn incredible this body of mine. It's my home for all the years to come. I have to start treating it with some care. Mirror, you blinded me from my worth. You blinded me from seeing all the incredible things about me. You blinded me from seeing how pretty I could be when the demons were telling me otherwise.
Maybe it's time I let you stop dictating my life. Maybe it's time I focus on who I am and not who you think I am. Maybe it's time I loved myself for all that I am. Maybe just maybe I could tell myself I'm beautiful every once in a while. You think you could let me do that mirror? Without bringing your gang of demons to tell me otherwise. I'm going to try just this once.
You didn't win this time mirror and I'm going to keep fighting you on this one. I'm ready to be strong, I'm ready to ignore those demons, I'm ready to live my life without worrying what my reflection always looks like.
Sincerely done with your crap,
1) My mum is currently in Norway, hiking this mountain!! Check that view out!! And that's not even the top! My mum's pretty badass;) I'm sure her legs will be jelly for the next couple of weeks. I definitely couldn't do it! Proud of you mamma :)
2) Being home alone is actually extremely boring. I like alone time, probably more than the average gal but I also miss having someone to vent about the day with. But I'm watching lots of rubbish tv to pass the time and Facetiming friends.
3) Speaking of tv, Gogglebox is starting again tonight and I can't wait!!! It's basically different families watching the weeks best tv programs and they make commentary on it. Don't knock it before you've watched it because its' actually hilarious, some of the things the people say are amazing! My best friend, Mae and I always thought we'd be quite good at this since we're always criticising different shows ;)
4) One of my friends got a new puppy!! Little Hugo is beyond cute. I will admit I usually don't think pugs are cute at ALL but he stole my heart from the minute I held him! Plus maybe because it's my friends dog, I think he's more adorable than someone else's pug! But seriously, look at his little wrinkled face?!!! I can't handle the cuteness!
5) I have like 4 friends turning 18 this weekend, I was very silly and accepted invites to two different parties on the same night! I feel like Facebook should have notified me of this, no?! Or I should have checked first. I'm going to one half the night and the other for the other half, I didn't have the heart to only go to one! It's going to be a FUN night, I can't wait, it's been a stressful couple of weeks.
6) I'm in such desperate need for a haircut, it's unreal! I probably haven't had it cut since about April time and the ends are beyond frazzled and dead. Not a good look but curling or straightening it seems to make it look a lot healthier. So until I finally get it cut, I''l stick to curling it.
7) OBSESSED with the white chocolate Kinder Buenos!! They're definitely my weakness right now and I'm tempted to get one every time I'm in a shop, it's bad!! But if you haven't had one yet, try it NOW!!
8) I think I have a new job!! I just have to hand in my application but it's pretty much already guaranteed!! It's a children's after school club so wayyyy better than cleaning;) My friend already works there and he was the one that told me they're looking for people over 18. Perfect, I owe him big time!
9) Lastly, I want to offer my sincerest condolences to anyone affected by the tragedy that happened 14 years ago! I still remember exactly what I was doing and at the time having no clue how much destruction was caused! I'm watched a documentary earlier about it and it's absolutely unimaginable to understand what it must have been like. Seems unreal that it was 14 years ago.
10) I'm off to make a cup of tea and watch Hollyoaks. I'm having a chilled and laid back night since tomorrow is going to be quite crazy! Hope you all have a fabulous weekend and catch you next week :)
How often do you get your haircut? I go anywhere from 3-6 months without getting it cut!
What's your favourite chocolate bar? Is it possible to have a favourite?! But definitely Kinder Buenos and Milky Ways (the British kind!)
Any fun plans for your weekend? Besides going to my friends parties, I have nothing planned other than cleaning the house and sorting out the mountain of clothes on my bedroom floor
- This post is going to be slightly ALL over the place. I feel when I don't blog for so long, I have so many things I want to say but can't organise those thoughts.
- Time just seems to disappear at the moment. Maybe it's because school started last week but I just don't seem to have time for much besides the usual routine. I'm hoping it's just end of summer craziness & school starting again and things will die down, giving me more time to do other things.
- I just read an amazing book, I Let You Go. It has SO many unexpected things happen in Part 2 of the book, I was slightly confused at first but slowly connected the dots. But wow, it was so captivating and held my attention the whole time. I just couldn't put it down once I got to that Part 2!! Definitely recommend it.
- I had the BEST dinner the other night. Seriously. Mum was out, we had some leftover chicken and a sweet potato, so I decided to make sweet potato fries topped with cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. So delicious.
- I've finally booked my driving test! It's not until November but at least I've booked it!! The lessons are going well and my anxiety is much less present than it used to be, thankfully! I'll be happy when I've passed and it's all over!
- I made some "milk & cookie" themed cookies last week and although they didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, they're still pretty cute!
- Last weekend we went up to Northamptonshire, where I used to live to visit one of my best friends. She's one of those people, I just never stop laughing with from the time we get there to the time we leave. It was one of those "good for your soul" weekends and cheered me up!
- The whole not sleeping thing is not getting better at all!! Grgghhh:( I'm hoping the more things I have going on, the more tired I'll be and the easier I'll sleep but so far that has backfired. And this Buzzfeed article sums up my life right now, only I do manage most days to get to sleep before 3:30am! I'm actually falling asleep slightly whilst writing this...
- Speaking of Buzzfeed, I'm a little too obsessed with it right now. I've found the funniest articles on The Great British Bake Off (what am I going to do with my life when that's over!!), this one and this one, are just the best.
- Some funny memes I've seen. Or maybe they're only funny to my friends and I?! My friends and I tag each other in videos and pictures ALL day long. We all know how much we hate going to school so we cheer each other up by doing this. It works, trust me, a good laugh makes school a much better place.
- I might go for a run in the next couple of days, might being the key word. We'll see how motivated I feel. I'm slightly scared to start anything again because I haven't been in too much pain the last few weeks and I'm worried I'm going to hurt myself. I don't want to ruin this almost pain free streak since I'm sure it'll be over soon. But I won't know until I try, send me some positive vibes that it feels okay to run again!!
- Right I'm off to finish watching Bake Off and then head straight to bed, in the hopes my exhausted brain will shut up for the night;) I hope you're all having a fab week!
Change the world, one act of kindness at a time
A little bit of honesty
Red Velvet Brownies with peanut butter glaze
Broccoli, Cheese and Onion Tart
Changed forever- the power of helping others