1) I'm back with my favourite person, when she isn't crying or whining ;) She's gotten so big and much more grown up than a couple months ago, it's crazy! But first let's back up a bit.
2) It's been a pretty whirlwind of a week over here. I left for France on Monday and then we travelled to America yesterday. I'm all travelled out for one week. And the whole insomnia isn't helping. I traveled to America on about 3 hours of sleep and only slept a half on the flight, yikes! I'm a little grumpy today and I think that explains why ;)
3) I don't think England got the memo that it was the summer. Scarves and fuzzy socks in the middle of July. So wrong on so many levels! Hopefully it'll be nice when I get back.
4) Exam results day is like 2 weeks and I'm freaking OUT!! I remember how I felt opening my GCSE results and even though pretty much all of them were good, the nerves you have beforehand is pretty insane!!
5) I think I might take on board this tip for my A2 exams. Pretty much any reason to eat chocolate is a really good one, am I right?!
6) My favourite hairband broke :( The other one broke the day after this one and I'm so annoyed. They don't leave any bumps in your hair, I've only seen them at my hairdressers but I'm on the hunt for some more!
7) I've just written this post practically crossed-eyed the entire time. My glasses are upstairs and I'm just way too lazy to go get them. But I really need to get better at wearing them because being crossed-eyed a lot is probably not that great.
8) These two memes just cracked me up. I'm pretty sure that has happened to one of my sims at some point or another and it just made me laugh so much when I saw it. I am so that person that loves finding out things about people I don't like, call me mean but it is kinda funny.
9) I just realised this will probably say it posted on the 1st of August since my account is set for British time. But it's still Friday here and I've just about managed to get this written up. It's been a busy, busy day.
10) I've got a busy weekend! My dad's getting married next weekend and I have to get my bridesmaid dress. So Anne-Claire and I are going shopping for the day and I can't wait to see one of my best friends again!! Hope you all have a great weekend :)
1) I FINALLY finished school this week, it was a longggg time coming. No, seriously, whoever thought another month and half of school after AS exams was a good idea, was extremely wrong.
2) Just had the best dinner. Since mum and I were both lazy today, I mean who isn't on a Friday night, right?! We decided to order and I had spaghetti with creamy chicken. So yummy.
3) I've booked my driving test at 11:11 am, in the hopes that my superstition will help me out ;) I can make a wish right before I start! It's not for a while yet but when I saw the 11:11 time I had to book it.
4) My nails have finally grown again, after I had bitten them to no end during my exams! Now that I'm putting a bit more effort, I thought I would try doing some cool stuff again. It was MESSY but it kinda worked.
5) Look at this cutie!! She LOVES being outside and going on her swing. Can't wait to see her in 6 days!!!!!
6) I can't believe it's almost August, like this year has whizzed by so fast!! Only 22 weeks till Christmas, how insane is that? But on another note, it's been raining all day and this is so not the summer I was looking forward to. Damn British summers that are so unpredictable.
7) Mum and I are about to watch Cake. I've seen it before but I really loved it and have even more of an appreciation for it since I've been sick. I think Jennifer Aniston plays her character so well!
8) I'm back on the coffee, I went off it for quite a while since the idea or smell of it would just not sit well with me. But now I'm drinking a lot of it!! I sound like an addict, I'm not, I still drink tea way more than I drink coffee. And since I found it funny, I'm sharing it. My hair went like this and stayed like this for about 3 hours no matter how many times I would push it down. The weird faces are acceptable since it's on Snapchat ;)
9) I'm seriously craving Mexican food today. Like I want some asap. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those cravings that doesn't go away until I satisfy it.
10) I'm usually quite the chatterbox (like my cute little mug says) but I think the tiredness has hit me early today and I'm struggling to come up with my usual ramblings. On that note, I'll leave it at that! I hope you all have a great weekend :)
Writing is my therapy. And right now I feel like I need a "session". Although I still have no official diagnosis, I am still very much ill. Chronically ill. Can I call it that when I have no "actual" illness? Well I would say 8 months definitely counts as chronicle. So until I'm better, I think I'm allowed to say I'm in chronic pain because I am. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to not be in pain. I say almost because I can remember how easy my life was before. It's those thoughts of life before all this that makes this 10 times worse. Remembering being able to go out whenever, go up the stairs without resting, going for a run, not having this "fog" cloud my memory, not having to sit in the shower when washing my hair and not aching all the time plus many more things.
Even though I remember those things, I kind of don't remember what it's like to have a day without pain. I think people that are chronically ill or in a lot of pain are made to feel like we have to pretend we're okay and that we have to sugarcoat things. Well I'm not going to sugarcoat anything in this post. I'm tired of being told "it could be worse", "well you look fine to me" and "it'll get better, just smile". Guess what? I do smile, I do know it could be worse, I know I don't look ill but none of that helps me cope any better. So the full on truth is what it'll be today.
When I think of my life 8 months ago, it was completely different to what it is now or how I imagined it would look now. I thought I'd be out every weekend with friends, running at least a 10k, driving (being sick + exams has meant taking a break from learning) and keeping a job long term. None of those things are happening. I had to quit my cleaning job because it was too physically demanding and I couldn't foresee how bad my pain would be one day to the next. I can barely run 5 minutes let alone 5k, which sucks. Running was the one sport I was really getting into before getting ill. And I'm not exactly living it up as an 18 year old should be. I do still go out far more than a lot of sick people but I still have to cancel or not make plans too much in advance.
Being ill doesn't "just" mean that I'm in pain often. It doesn't mean the problems are only physical. Being ill brings on a whole load of other problems with it.
It brings on chronic fatigue. No amount of coffee or sleep is going to suddenly give me all my energy back. It's the type of tiredness, no amount of napping will fix. Most people say "same" when I say I'm exhausted and I'm not dissing your tiredness because I bet you are but I sometimes feel like I have the flu, just ran a half marathon and finished an intense exam. That's exhaustion my friends, it's not pretty.
It brings this fog over your brain and makes me feel like I'm losing my marbles at times. I know everyone is occasionally forgetful but it's a little more than your usual forgetfulness. I'll be watching a TV show and the adverts will come on and I'll actually forget what I'm watching. I'll brush my teeth in the morning, go do my make-up and completely forget that I've brushed them, so I'll go do it again. I'll ask a question, get the answer and ask again 10 minutes later. I'll put milk in the cupboard and cereal in the fridge. I'll be typing something for an essay and mid sentence completely forget what I was going to say. I know these are little things but over time they take their toll mentally. I think this comes from the tiredness and your body keeping up with being in pain a lot.
It brings this sadness, anger and anxiety. I'm not always sad but sometimes it'll creep up on me out of no where and I feel extremely overwhelmed. I started getting emotional the other day in Tesco's when I couldn't bend down to get something. Very silly to get sad about something like that but it just frustrated me beyond belief! And I get pretty frustrated most days because there always seems to be one thing or another that I can't manage to do. I'm pretty f*cking angry at my body. It's continuously letting me down and has been for almost a year. You can't help but get sad and angry about it because I know I can do something but my body won't let me. It makes you anxious. I don't know what tomorrow will be like and that in itself gives me anxiety. I worry way too much about what others think is going on with me or if people think I'm lying. The worry is never ending, I can always find something to stress about.
It brings so many other pains. All the little shitty pains that no one thinks about. I don't just have pain in my groin and back, which are my main areas. I'll get tingling in my hands that lasts for hours on and off. My feet will all of a sudden go numb and tingling. My head will pound over and over again with no relief. My back problems cause my hips to be sore all the time. It causes my legs to feel like jelly at times. It makes my brain all mushy (not literally, obviously;) and tired. Plus many other weird things that come and go throughout the day. And some days, it's all of the above.
The not knowing is slowly becoming the worst part. People ask me what's wrong and I can't give them an answer so people assume I'm exaggerating or faking it. I can assure you, I am in no way faking it, I would never fake being ill because it's quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I've had my fair deal of crap to deal with. I don't look ill and for that reason people have no idea what's going on. Some days I'm limping and holding onto my friend because I'm in so much pain and the next day I could be able to walk quickly, I understand how that looks sketchy.
Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my life. I still laugh ALL the time like I used to, I still listen to everyone else's problems, I still eat my favourite foods, I still go and enjoy days out but I do all of this with either a lot of pain or minimal pain. People presume that me enjoying my life means I'm better. No it doesn't, it means I refuse to let this control anymore of my life than it already has and does. It means that despite the struggles I face, I still choose optimism even at times when reality hits hard.
Most days, I choose to see all the positives rather than the negatives. I do obviously have very shit days (just ask my friends and my mum, it'll be one negative comment after the other) but most days, I try my best to be the Jasmine that I've always been. I'm learning to make adaptions and room for my pains, it's taking some time and I can't always laugh about it. Some days all I need is a shoulder to cry and complain on and I'm lucky enough to have some amazing girlfriends at school who let me do just that. But most days I choose humour. Because a laugh cures almost everything ;) I love these, just a few (okay a lot) of my favs!!
But no matter how much I can talk, there are never enough words, or any for that matter that can truly describe what it's like to be in pain daily. One can never understand the battles we don't fight. I can never understand or pretend to know what it's like to have certain problems that I haven't had to face. Just like someone who isn't chronically ill can't begin to imagine the difficulties you face on a daily basis. And sometimes I give up trying to make people get it because I've realised they never truly will.
So here we are, 8 months later, still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with this body of mine. I won't lie and say it's been easy. All the tests, procedures, doctors apts and medications take their toll, both physically and mentally. It's beyond frustrating to not know what's causing these pains but I have to believe that one day they'll just disappear or they'll find out what it is. Because if I don't believe or have a little faith, I'll have more days like today than good days.
With all of this being said, I would like to say that I am in no way diminishing the pain others experience or saying mine is worse in any way. I am blessed that it's not 24/7 and that it's only been 8 months. Many people have been chronically ill for their whole lives. I still have the hope that it's something fixable, many people don't have that and in many ways that makes me so unbelievably lucky. Even though it hurts now, I still have faith they'll find something that can be managed.
Any chronic pain or illness or long term pain is horrible and if you know someone with an invisible illness, be kind and gentle because I can guarantee they're hiding most of their pain from you. For me it's not brutal everyday and I never take the easy days for granted because I know the next day could be hell. The uncertainty is often the scariest part. I don't know if this is for life or for the next few months or for the next few years. All I know, is that day by day, I can fight this. One step at a time and eventually it'll be easier to handle. At least I hope so.
1) Another week with only one blog post :( Man am I bad at this right now!! School finish on Wednesday, only 3 days and I can finally do more of the things I want to do :)
2) Urm I'm not impressed with this so-called "summer" weather. It's pretty awful considering it's the middle of July. And we had a massive thunderstorm last night. No matter how old I get, I will always hate thunder and lightening. My friend and I went to the shop during school and we caught the rain just as we left, I came back with a completely see-through top, I was not happy!!
3) I went to Cambridge on Wednesday with Delina and I found a pack of Cheetos at Tesco, how I have never found these before is beyond me! I was VERY happy :)
4) I'm having a "flare up" again of my back pain. I'm still going with the theory that it's sciatica but I'm definitely not a doctor ;) I don't want to complain ALL the time but it does hurt like a b*tch!!
5) I've got a pretty busy day tomorrow. Got a lunch with family friends in London then going out for the night in Cambridge for my friend's 18th birthday. So I'm crossing my fingers that my back eases up by tomorrow. It usually lasts about a week, so I don't think I'll be in the clear. The heels will be coming off pretty quickly and I won't be doing my usual non-stop dancing.
6) I thought this was pretty cute. Clearly very cute since I'm blogging about it;) It's the little things in life!
7) Tried this for the first time today and got to say I liked it quite a lot. As you all know I'm not the biggest Oreo fan in the world but I'm starting to like them a lot more. Plus you can never go wrong with Cadbury's!
8) I have the weirdest friends. And she's my best friend so I'm guessing I'm just as weird as her but this cracked me up for a good 15 minutes straight. Just noticed she sent it at 11:11 as well, yes I'm that weirdo that makes a wish pretty much everyday at 11:11.
9) I think only British people will understand how funny this is but I laughed way too much.
10) 13 more days. I cannot wait to give my little munchkin a huge hug. And to see everyone else too.
11) Married At First Sight started here in England a couple weeks ago and I'm so excited. The Brits love copying all the American shows ;) Got to say the couples here on this one are sooo cute!
12) Went to see Magic Mike XXL last weekend and I've got to say, it was pretty good. Aside from the fact it's mainly hot guys dancing (and you can never go wrong with that;) it ended up being a lot better than I expected.
13) That moment you get a bit too excited to go to Costa for lunch. I had been craving it for ages!!
14) Right I'll stop babbling now before I get too carried away. I'm off to celebrate a friend's birthday. Looking forward to a super chill night at her house, nothing crazy which is sometimes better! Hope you all have a great and relaxing weekend :)
Change the world, one act of kindness at a time
A little bit of honesty
Red Velvet Brownies with peanut butter glaze
Broccoli, Cheese and Onion Tart
Changed forever- the power of helping others